I Harbor No Resentment

This morning, I awoke to a feeling, a feeling like a weight had been lifted off of me.  It's been over a month since I came clean to the elders about my doubts.  Through countless visits, they tried to keep me from leaving.  It all culminated with a visit from the elders yesterday.  I pretty much told them I would not change my mind.  Yes, I'm still not disfellowshipped yet but that will come soon, I'm sure.  I had one of, if not my best friend in the JW's unfriend me on Facebook yesterday. 

That's when it really hit me.  All this time I had so much stress, so much heartbreak, and it all came from feelings of guilt.  Like it was me who was doing something wrong.  I felt as if maybe I was the one who was leaving people.  That moment, I came to a realization in my mind and in my heart, that I haven't gone anywhere.  I haven't disowned anyone, or left anyone.  In the end, they are making the choice to leave me.  I would still be friends with, and probably hang out with a good amount of the people in the JW's that I knew, regardless of my standing in the JW's.  But alas, that's not possible, not because of anything I've done, but because of what they've done.  All of the guilt that I have been feeling has been lifted off of me.

I still love and care for a lot of people in the JW's.  Most of them are really nice people and they do care for me.  Even though they will disfellowship me and ignore me for the rest of their life, I have no resentment or hate for them.  I realize that they don't know any better.  This is what they've been taught, many from birth on up, is necessary to show that they actually care.  So it's not their fault.  I still love and care for a lot of the people I grew up with.  I wish them all the best.  I hope they'll wake up.  I know they probably won't.  If they do wake up, I'll be there for them. 

Many of these are great people, who unfortunately have been twisted and manipulated by a high-control organization.  I just hope they can break free so we can all go back to being friends.

My conclusion also came as a result of a quote somebody said to me "It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not."  I'd rather have two or three friends who love what I am, rather than a congregation of 120 who only love me for something that I'm not.  Yes, I'm sure I will still be depressed and will still have a lot of struggles ahead of me, but at least now I am assured of what I'm doing.

Selfishness

As I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" for the 100th time, I couldn't help but notice the similarities between me and George Bailey.  Okay, maybe I've never helped finance somebodies house or helped people the way George was able to help people.  Maybe it's an awful comparison.  I'm nowhere near the man George Bailey was, but I'm going to make the comparison anyway.

Let's talk about George.  Here's a man who had big dreams.  He wanted to travel the world.  He wanted to go to school and become an engineer.  He was right at the doorstep of both and yet he gave that all up to be able to lend people a hand.  He was all ready to travel and live his dream, then his father passed away leaving the business for him to take care of.  Sure, he could have stepped down and let Mr. Potter take it over, but it would have been to the detriment of the whole town.  So it left him all alone to care for this institution that meant so much to the town.  He even gives up a high-paying job that would help make a better life for him and his family.  He just wanted so badly to help people.  He was willing to give up his dreams and his comfort for other people. 

Am I being selfish for choosing a path that would seperate me from my family, all to attain some personal freedom and some happiness?  I just want to help people and make people happy.  Should I have just kept my opinions and thoughts to myself to keep me and my family together?  I don't have big dreams like George Bailey had.  I just want to be content.  I couldn't find contentment in the religion.  Was it selfish of me to disappoint friends and family all to try to reach that?  I've always given of myself for others.  I don't feel that I've ever really looked out for my own interest.  As Peter Bailey put it "All you can take with you is that which you've given away."

This is so unfair.  Why am I even forced to make a choice either way?  Sometimes life just really seems screwed up.

Purpose

Is there a purpose to all of this?  Is there a reason to continue?  I think about this often.  Maybe I'm being melodramatic.  Maybe I'm just severely depressed and this is a passing thing.

I'm reminded of the movie Shawshank Redemption.  The whole point of Brooks eventually outcome (suicide) was because, despite his freedom, he was not able to find a purpose.  In Shawshank, he was the man who provided literature to the prisoners.  He had a purpose.  Red surely considered reaching the same end as Brooks.  He was institutionalized.  Prison life was all he knew.  In Shawshank, as he put it, he was a man who could get you things.  Anything you wanted, he could provide.  He served a great purpose and a service to those in the prison.  When he got out, he was just a lonely man with nothing to offer anybody.  He continued on though.  There was a something that Red promised Andy, that if Red ever got out, he was to go to a certain place and to seek out Andy.  It kept him going.

I find myself in a similar situation.  I've been in a mental prison my whole life.  I'm instituationalized.  In the organization, I served a purpose.  I was a man who could get you things, so to speak.  Now I'm out.  What do I have to offer people?  What keeps me going?  Is there a purpose for me to continue?  Do I truly have anything to offer people?  Do people want what I have to offer?  Can I truly make anyone happy on more than a superficial level?  Can I find somebody who views me as irreplaceable and wants to stay with me to the end?  These are questions that go through my mind.  The more I dwell on them, the more depressed I am by the answers I come up with.  I can't honestly answer those questions in a positive manner.  Yeah, sure maybe I can helpa few people out.  Maybe I can help people who don't even appreciate it.  Is there somebody who can recipricate that help back to me?  Is there somebody who can mirror that love back to me and make me a happy person for the rest of my life?  I don't know, I hope so.

All my life I've tried to do the right thing by people.  I've tried my best to be a good person, to help people in need.  I've never in my life asked anybody for anything in return.  I guess, I'm finally doing that.  Is there ever going to be anything in it for me?  Is there a point to continue being that kind of person?  Am I being selfish for thinking that?  I'm afraid I'm going to become a bitter, lonely, old man.  That outcome scares the hell out of me.  I don't ever want to become that man but I just know if things continue like this, that will be end result.

I wish I could stop dwelling on the bad.  It isn't doing me any good.  I just can't help it.  I really want to focus on good things but it just gets harder and harder to do.  I know so many people have worse problems than I do.  Am I being selfish by constantly being negative?  I just want to be happy with my lot in life. 

Reuniting

I've been taking the last month or two and have been trying to reunite with friends long past.  People that I knew well but could no longer associate with due to my religion.  Sadly, very few of them have responded at all.  I can't say I blame them for not wanting anything to do with me.  I was practically forced to disown them.  I have been able to rekindle friendships with a few, so that is at least worth something. 

On a rather sad note, I discovered just the other day that an old friend of mine who moved to Hawaii to serve in  the Navy, passed away.  I've been told it was possibly suicide.  It makes me sad to know that someone who was so full of life and had so much to offer people would resort to that.  I know he's had suicidal tendencies in the past, but that doesn't make it any easier to swallow.  If you spent five minutes with him, he would give you the shirt off his back.  R.I.P. Taj.  You will be missed by all.

In the end, it's going to be hard to move on.  I'm leaving a lot of people behind.  I know that many of them do genuinely care for me, but they don't show it the correct way.  They are led to believe that the loving thing is to badger me into coming back.  I don't think this is the way you show love.  Many of them just want to shove the JW agenda down my throat and that irritates me.  I know in a brief period of time they will go from pestering me at every end, to completely ignoring me.  I knew what I was getting into though, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

Through all of this, the worst is the pressing loneliness.  It's been far too long without having an intimate relationship with someone.  Of course, I don't know if I'm in the right frame-of-mind to jump into that right now.  There's far too much going on.  It would be nice to have that loving support but how can I possibly drag somebody into the situation I'm in now?  It just feels selfish to me.  Not only that, the people I have tried to get something started with, have been a no-go for varying reasons.  Mostly it just seems like I don't have anything to offer.  There's always a better option.  In the end, what does anybody want with poor, pathetic me?  Am I destined for loneliness and disappointment?  There has just been too much disappointment.

'Tis the season!

It's the holiday season.  It's a time to be giving, loving, joyous.  It's a time to spend with friends and family.  There's not really much downside to the holidays, unless you like checking your bank account after purchasing all those thoughtful gifts.

For some, the holidays aren't a time to be joyful at all.  It's a time for ostracism.  Yeah, you guessed it, that was me.   JW's aren't allowed to celebrate any holidays.  No Christmas, Halloween, Valentines Day, etc.   Imagine yourself in a scenario me and many others have had to experience.  You're a 7 year old at school.  You've just come back from your Christmas vacation.  You get into school and everybody is buzzing.    "What did you get this year?"  "What did you do for Christmas?"  Everybody talks about all the cool presents they got and the different family traditions they do.  It all sounds so awesome.  Frankly, for kids, it is totally awesome.  Unless you were one of us.  "You don't celebrate Christmas!?" This was unheard of.  Sometimes they would feel bad for me.  Other times they would make fun of me. 

Talk about feeling left out.  The worst part is others would want to include me in on the fun they were having.  It wasn't like the kid in high school who never got invited to parties.  I had no choice.  I couldn't join in.  Oh that Christmas is such an evil holiday.  Those wicked people all giving each other gifts and spending time with one another.  They should be ashamed of themselves.  Like any other thing that's fun, they pin their refusal to allow participation on "pagan roots".  Yeah, maybe it does have what could be considered pagan origins.  Is the purpose of the Christmas season today to worship false God's?  Obviously not.  Meanings change. Can't we just accept a nice time of the year without tearing it apart to find every little thing wrong with it.

Several other holidays we cannot enjoy are Halloween, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day and Thanksgiving.  The list goes on and on.  All are given a false religious meaning.  You might look at all those things as innocent and something that people should want to celebrate.  It's all about maintaining control.  

This holiday season, enjoy yourselves!  Give your heart out and spend time with your family.  It's a great time of year.

So... How's It Going?

To put it bluntly, not well.  It's been a constant battle back and forth.  Essentially, I need to move out.  I can't deal with the constant arguments and harassment that's occurring on a daily basis.  Unfortunately, that won't be until the beginning of the next year. 

I understand these people are "concerned" but they are taking it one step too far.  They insult me, throw my name under the bus.  They come over to talk with me but they end up talking at me instead.  I can't get a word in edgewise.  I know for a fact that there are some rumors going on about me.  This is how you treat a "lost sheep" I guess.  It's all the more reason not to go back.

This weekend is going to be tough.  We have our big "circuit assembly" coming up.  This is a two-day meeting.  They last pretty much all day on Saturday and Sunday.  It's made up of all the local congregations.  It's a waste of a weekend frankly.  Some have asked me whether or not I'm going and I can only answer "maybe".  If I come flat out and tell them I'm not going to go, that's another thing they will get on me about.  As if they need an excuse.  I'm going to wake up Saturday morning and the first thing I'm going to hear is "Are you coming?"  It's going to be hard to be blunt about it but I don't think I can take another weekend of garbage spouted off as truth. 

I know I previously said I was out of the religion but that's not necessarily true yet.  There's still supposed to be a judicial committee meeting before the official disfellowshipping.  I can guarantee you I won't be there for that. 

I feel alone right now.  I know I'm not but I feel like I'm out on an island.  People can say they understand but can you really?  The weight is pressing down on me unbelievably.  Some people would say "man up".  I wish I could.  I am so stressed about the whole situation that I'm becoming extremely depressed.  If this doesn't turn around fast, this is not going to be good.