And Here We Go

I've arrived at the boiling point.  There's no getting around it now.  I've come to the point where I've officially ostracized myself from the JW's.  Say goodbye to my family and friends as I've known them.  Friends have been lost.  Family will never be the same.  Let me take you back to where this all began and what lead to this.

To start off let me describe a few of the roles that go on in the JW congregation.  Three major positions are deemed ministerial servant, elder and pioneer.

A ministerial servant is somebody who is viewed highly in the congregation.  It's one step below an elder.  Many responsibilities are given to a ministerial servant.  They give "talks" which are public discourses.  These public discourses vary in subject matter as well as length.  On Sunday meetings, public discourses are 30 minutes long.  It's essentially a sermon like you would see in any church.  On the weekday meetings (mine being held on Thursday), they would vary based on what the subject matter was.  For the Bible Highlights, which consists of a review of the weeks Bible reading (usually 2 or 3 chapters), they give a four minute discourse with a six minute audience participation.  There are also various parts on what's called the "service meeting" which detail ways to improve your preaching skills.  These range anywhere from 10 minutes to 20 minutes.  They also serve as assistants to the elders.

Elders are the leaders of the congregation.  They give the same discourses that the ministerial servants give but usually they give them more often.  Also they are in charge of looking over the congregation.  They deal out judicial decisions and make a lot of the important decisions in the congregation.

Pioneers are JW's who agree to invest at least 70 hours in the preaching work every month.  They take the lead in preaching and are usually looked upon as examples to look up to and are held on a pedestal.

Let me describe where I sat.  For three years I was a pioneer.  This was not necessarily of my own volition but I was guilted into serving because at the time I wasn't working and I had nothing else going on.  I was also a ministerial servant.  As my decline went on eventually I stopped pioneering because I couldn't muster up effort anymore, especially while working a full-time job.  Plus my heart really wasn't in it.

After the last meeting we had, two of the top elders decided to sit me down for a talk about me being taken off the pioneer list.  They told me about this ahead of time so I was going to take the opportunity to step down as ministerial servant as well.  We get to talking and the next thing I know I'm going into a tirade about the doubts about the faith I've had and the doctrines that I think are just plain wrong.  Each point I brought up was responded to with the same nonsense I've been hearing for years.  They got me to agree to put a list together of teachings I have an issue with.  I don't know if I'm going to even bother doing that.  They won't sway me either way.

So I get home and decide to break the news to my mom.  She did not take it well.  She cried and and laid a guilt trip on me.  I just told her I loved her but could not go on with the lie anymore.

A couple days go by and it was okay I guess.  I was treated better than I thought I would be.  Then today comes around and I've been getting non-stop calls and text messages from people who are "concerned".  I've heard that word thrown around a lot over the last few days.  I even had visitors today, people who were trying to sway me.  My mom sat me down to have another talk with me and she was obviously upset. She said to me, "It would be better if you were dead." I was speechless.  How do you respond to something like that?

I appreciate what my mom is dealing with at this moment.  To her, it's like I'm informing her I have given myself a death sentence.  I feel so bad because I know she's hurting over it.  In the end though, is it better to have her feel a brief period of pain or should I continue the lie? 

She's told that I will need to find a new place to live because they can't have an "apostate" living in the house.  I kind of figured that would be outcome of this. 

In conclusion, what a miserable religion. 

Acceptance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WUw1axcg4A

The above video is taken from the British documentary "World at War".  It's a 26-episode documentary that details everything that occurred during World War II. The video is taken from the opening sequence of the first and the last episode.  It's a chilling intro that really sets the tone for the whole documentary.

So what does a Nazi atrocity committed over 65 years ago have to do with acceptance?  Nazi ideals were based upon a lack of acceptance.  The above video is just one example of what can come from those kind of ideals.  They were not accepting of differentiating opinions or races and we can see all the devastation that groups like that can cause. They controlled who was deemed worthy of life.  They controlled the opinions of people.  They controlled the press. 

Now before I get into the comparison, just keep in mind I am not saying the JW's are as bad as Nazi's.  However, there are noteworthy comparisons. 

Differentiating opinions are one of the best things about the human race.  Nowhere else can you find this kind of diversity.  You might like hamburgers and hate salad.  The next person might love salad and hate hamburgers.  The great thing about an opinion is that it can't be wrong.  As much as I hate the band Nickelback, there are plenty of people out there that like them.  They bring some people joy, so they can't be all bad I guess. 

Viewpoints on religion and politics are a touchy subject.  According to what you believe when it comes to each, our view can essentially become a life or death situation.  If we believe our religion is the only true one, then we either have to go along with it or perish. 

The problem comes at this point.  Too often do we ask people to accept our religious beliefs and we aren't willing to do the same with others.  Yeah maybe I think the Mormons teach some weird things, but if that's what they think they need to believe in order to get saved, then they should do exactly that.  Just so long as your religious beliefs aren't interfering with mine and yours does not hurt people, you are free to believe whatever you want.  Who am I to tell you what you should or shouldn't believe?

Nazi's forced people to agree with them.  It came down to a choice, join us or die.  JW's do the same thing.  Although they don't do the killing themselves, they are more than happy to believe that genuinely nice people are going to be killed at Armageddon simply because they didn't believe the same things as them.  Join us or die. 

JW's also "control the press", if you will.  According to them you should only read JW materials.  There's only one way to study the Bible, that's with JW Bible study aids.  This way you don't think for yourself.  I've read the Bible several times.  I'd like to think I know it relatively well.  I've also noticed a lot of discrepancies in JW teachings.  I've already detailed some of them in a previous post.  They also forbid reading material online or reading books written by people they deem "apostate".  In other words, if they aren't writing it, don't read it.  They try to destroy the critical thinking part of the brain.  It's all a control mechanism to keep the people in control.  Does that remind you of any particular group of people who were prominent around 70 years ago? 

I am perfectly willing to accept people the way they are.  I realize everybody has their faults.  Nobody is perfect.  My faults are numerous.  I try to look for the best in people, give them the benefit of the doubt.  Sometimes people take advantage of that, and it's sad.  Unfortunately, there are plenty of people I know who aren't willing to give me the same benefit of the doubt.

In conclusion, please just accept people the way they are.  Don't try to change people that don't need to be changed.  Don't force people to view things your way.  Nothing good has ever come from it.

They Say It's Your Birthday

With my birthday coming up it brings up a point I'd like to share.  One of the most awful things forbidden by JW's are birthdays.  Why do they think birthdays are bad?  There are two birthdays listed in the Bible.  Two of them both involved kings executing people.  What does that have to do with us celebrating birthdays?  I have no clue.

Another issue they have is that they say it brings undue honor to one person.  Yeah, because it's terribly wrong to make someone feel special for a day.  You just never mind that they have no issue with celebrating wedding anniversaries. 

There are just so many absolutely ridiculous teachings JW's have that do nothing but suck the joy out of life.  Would you believe I've never celebrated anyone's birthday in my life (including my own) until I celebrated my friend's 21st birthday a couple weeks ago?  Pretty pathetic, huh? 

Here's another classic JW rule.  When somebody sneezes, it's common courtesy to say "God bless you."  This is forbidden by JW's because they say the term has pagan roots.  There were various groups that thought that when you sneezed it was your soul trying to leave your body.  So when you say "God bless you" it keeps your soul from escaping.  That's a pretty ridiculous belief in itself but hey at least they were courteous! Who needs to be courteous anyway?

Raising a glass to toast to someone is also forbidden because it has pagan roots as well.  It's viewed as raising a glass to the gods and offering them your drink.

Did you know that wedding rings have pagan roots?  As you are probably aware, the circle means "unending" or "everlasting".  It's meant to symbolize eternity.  The ring originated in ancient Babylon and had various pagan uses.  I don't find anything wrong with wedding rings.  Apparently JW's don't because there is no rule against them.  I don't find anything wrong with saying "God bless you" or raising a glass in a toast to someone.  It's this picking and choosing that really bugs me.  Maybe I'm just bitter but I think I have a right to be at this point.

Purposefully Misleading Others (Part 1)

If there's one thing I've learned about JW teachings, it's that there are so many inconsistencies it's not even funny.  All you have to do is look at their constant flip-flops on their teachings.  If it really were God's organization, wouldn't he do a better job of giving his people the correct information and not change important doctrines.  

If you don't know the background of JW teachings, this could all be a little bit confusing.  I'll try to do my best to explain some of these but they can certainly be confusing.  The JW's teach that these doctrine changes are fulfillment of a verse in Proverbs that says " the path of the righteous ones is like the bright light that is getting lighter and lighter until the day is firmly established."  They claim that more and more would be revealed as time would go on.  Notice more would be revealed, not things would completely change.  Let me show you some of these utter failures that they attribute to God revealing Bible knowledge to this group.

Let's start with some medical teachings.  We're going to go way back on some of these quotes.  First up we have the JW views of organ transplants. The original opinion of organ transplants from the Awake magazine of December 22nd, 1949 is that these procedures are "wonders of modern surgery."  Notice how they change their tune less than 20 years later.  The Watchtower of November 15th 1967 pp. 702-704 states that transplants are against divine principles and are cannibalistic.  In other words, they used to be okay with them but now they are bad.  Think of all the parents who allowed their children to die due to not getting needed organ transplants because of this misguided belief.  Then notice the shocking turn around in just 13 years.  The Watchtower of Mar. 15th 1980 p. 31 states “there is no Biblical command forbidding the taking in of another human tissue. It is a matter for personal decision”.  

Unbelievable!  Think back again to those people who lost loved ones to that awful doctrine towards organ transplants.  How do you think those ones feel knowing their loved ones died for absolutely no reason.  This is an organization that has doctrines that physically hurt their members for no reason other then to keep control of them.  Is that despicable or what?  

This goes along the same lines of blood transfusions.  One well known thing about JW's is that they do not accept blood transfusions.  They view blood as something sacred and should not be "eaten".  They consider having blood pumped into you is considering eating.  The original opinion of blood transfusion was one where they marveled at what several blood transfusions were able to accomplish.  Then they changed their view to no blood transfusions allowed. Then they changed to where you can accept blood fractions but not whole blood.  Make up your minds already!  Many JW's have died from observing this command from the JW's. 

This also extended to vaccinations.  They took a rather embarrassing stance on them as noted the February 1931 issue of Golden Age on p.293. "Vaccination is a direct violation of the everlasting covenant that God made with Noah after the flood."  Years before that the October Golden Age of 1921 p. 17 said, "Vaccination never prevented anything and never will, and is the most barbarous practice...We are in the last days; and the devil is slowly losing his hold, making a strenuous effort meanwhile to do all the damage he can, and to his credit can such evils be placed...Use your rights as American citizens to forever abolish the devilish practice of vaccinations."  What an embarrassing belief.  Many JW children were unable to attend schools due to refusing vaccinations.  All to avoid lawsuits they changed their stance in the Dec. 15 Watchtower of 1952 where it says, "The matter of vaccination is one for the individual that has to face it to decide for himself... And our Society cannot afford to be drawn into the affair legally or take the responsibility for the way the case turns out."  Then they proceed to flat out lie in the August 8th Awake of 1993 which says, "Previous articles in this journal and its companion, The Watchtower, have presented a consistent position: It would be up to the Bible-trained conscience of the individual Christian as to whether he would accept [vaccinations] for himself and his family."  Compare the articles in the Golden Age and Awake and tell me they have always maintained the same position.  

I'll detail a little more about this subject in another post.

Upcoming Plans

As of right now I've got all kinds of plans for the future going on right now.  The kind I've most been concerned about are not all that happy to think about.  However, I do have some fun plans coming up for the month of May.

If you know me, you know I love baseball.  I know most people hate watching baseball and I understand their lack of enthusiasm for the game.  I love it though.  Maybe it's because I used to play.  Maybe it's the stats.  Maybe it's the one-on-one matchups of pitcher vs. batter.  I don't know what it is, but whatever it is I love it. 

I also loving going to baseball games.  It's my dream to go to visit all of the baseball stadiums.  I've been to a few but there are still plenty I need to go to.  I did a little bit of logistical research and came up with a game plan for May that will allow me to visit five baseball stadiums in five days.  It's going to be an intense trip.  There won't be much resting.  There will be a lot of driving.  I have no problem with that though as my recent trip to Atlanta to catch some Braves games will show you.  11 hours on the road is not fun but it was quite an adventure. 

Here's how the trip will go:

Friday, May 13th:  I head to Detroit to see the Tigers.  It's about a five hour journey from where I'm at now.  They are taking on the Kansas City Royals at 7:05 local time.  I'll stay overnight in Detroit.

Saturday, May 14th:  I make the drive to Milwaukee from Detroit.  It's a 6 1/2 hour drive from Detroit so I better get up a little early.  At 6:10 local time the Brewers take on my beloved Buccos.  I'll stay overnight there.  I may even be meeting a friend there.  That would be really awesome.

Sunday, May 15th:  This leg of the trip will probably be a little easier.  It's a 2 hour drive from Milwaukee to Chicago.  I don't know what time the game will be, but at some point the Giants will take on the Cubs.  If it's a Sunday night game, then I'll have plenty of time to hang around Milwaukee and maybe even sleep in before I leave for Chicago. 

Monday, May 16th:  This is the most beautiful part of the whole thing.  This game will also be in Chicago.  I'll be seeing the White Sox take on the Rangers at some point, either an afternoon game or an evening game.  Afternoon would not be bad because I might be able to drive to the next part of my journey the day before or I can wait and just drive in the morning.

Tuesday, May 17th:  Depending on the previous day's game, I will either drive the night before or drive in the morning to St. Louis from Chicago.  Regardless it's a 5 hour trip.  Cardinals will take on the Phillies at 7:05.  Then I drive home the next day.  A brisk 9 hour journey from the Arch.

A lot of people will say I'm crazy for even thinking about a trip like this.  Hey, I'm young.  What's so crazy about it.  I think it would make for a great adventure and I hope I can get someone to tag along with me for the journey.  If not, then I guess I'll have a nice solo adventure to look forward to.  Either way I'm excited. 

This is still just an idea.  I really would like to do something like this.  It wouldn't be much of a relaxing time but it would be an exciting experience.  I do know for sure I am at least making the trip to Milwaukee and Chicago.  Those other stops are possibilities at the moment.  We'll see how I feel as the time approaches.

The Situation At Home

Things have been awfully crazy around here over the last year or so.  Let me give you a little background on what's going on.

Back in 2006 my father passed away from lung cancer.  Obviously it was an awful time in my life.  He found out he had cancer and a month later he passed.  It was so quick.  We were left with a big gaping hole.  At the same time my grandmother was suffering from cancer.   My sister and brother-in-law moved in to live with my grandmother and help her out.  They were allowed to live there rent-free just so long as they helped my grandmother out.  They had just been evicted from their apartment and needed help.  We were both in the same neighborhood so we weren't too far away.  October of the same year, my grandmother passed away.  We saw it coming so it wasn't as tough as when my dad died but it was still a tough thing to deal with.  My sister had a larger family then mine at the time.  She has two wonderful kids who I love to death.  We decided to pull a switch.  Since my grandmothers house was smaller, we figured we'd take our smaller family, just my mother and my little sister and move into her home.  Then my sister and brother-in-law could live our old house and they could pay rent.

So we did the move.  It was working out for a while.  They paid rent... most months.  Over the next few years they started to take advantage of my mom's leniency towards rent.  It's not like their rent was expensive.  A large three bedroom two bathroom house and they were only paying $500 per month split with my brother who was living there at the time.  All they had to do was pay utilities.  That is the sweetest deal I ever heard of.  Despite that kindness, they took advantage of a great situation.  They stopped paying rent and they let the house become trashed.  By that time my mom had remarried and there were both not very pleased with the situation.

A couple months ago we went over their house to take the trash out while they were away visiting family in Oregon.  The house was a complete disaster.  There were literally maggots in the sink from dishes not washed in ages.  It was an absolutely disgusting sight to behold.  I don't even want to tell you about the garbage that hadn't been taken out in what must have been months.  My mom had enough.  I don't blame her.  So she decided they either needed to clean up their act or they are getting kicked out.  They promised they would take care of the house but that was nothing but lies.  My mom finally decided she's kicking them out at the end of the year.  My brother, his girlfriend, her little boy and I are going to move in there and get it all cleaned up.  I'd like to think we'd take better care of it then my sister and her husband did.

Of course my brother-in-law is furious.  He had it coming though.  This is what happens when people rely too much on the generosity of others and become entitled.    We'll just have to wait and see how this all unfolds.

UPDATE:

So my mom, stepdad and I took a trip to visit my brother-in-law to discuss the housing situation.  My stepdad asked him if he would need any help finding a new place and he insisted that he would be fine and that he really didn't want to talk about it right now.  My mom said that if he had something he needed to say he should say it now.  So he goes and says this: "You promised that you were giving us this house for free if we helped your mother out and now you are kicking us out."  Obviously, that absolutely never happened.  My mom says "No, we told you you could stay in the other house rent free if you helped her out.  We had an agreement when you moved in here that you would pay rent and you haven't been."  He replied by saying "My mom and dad heard you say it. Are you calling us liars?  You call yourselves Christians?  You're going to have to stand in front of your God!"  The conversation went on like that for about a half-hour.  Here we are on the front porch and he's yelling and screaming.  He said "You think I'm moving out of this house, you're crazy.  I'm going to call my lawyers and we are going to sue you." My sister is also in complete agreement with him on this.

I can explain, in simple terms, why he is acting like this.  He had a free ride and the train is coming into the station.  This is what happens when you have everything handed to you.  You can't figure out how to function on your own.  My position on this is to not give in to his BS.  If he wants to go to court, then let him go in with no case and completely embarrass himself.   It's been a long time coming for this guy.  I just feel bad that he's dragging my sister down with him.  The bad news for me is this may delay my plans to move out.  We'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Support

I'm not trying to make this blog all about being a JW.  It's what's on my mind right now so I can't help but talk about that.  There is a great network of support for people who are fed up with the religion.  There's a website out there for current or former JW's to get help or to just talk about things.  That website is http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/.  I find myself on there a lot.  There are some really great people on there.

I know that everything I say about the religion might seem like an overreaction but all you need to do there is read what some people have had to go through and it suddenly doesn't seem so.  What you can gather from reading there is that it's essentially a cult.  They use many tactics that cults use.  Only thing they haven't forced people to do yet is drink the kool-aid.  I better get out before they get to that point.

I recently (last night), informed my brother of my upcoming decision to leave it and he's very supportive.  I'm supposed to move in with him and his girlfriend at the beginning of January so that will help make the decision even easier.  It's going to be quite a change in my life because the JW's take so much time and resources from you.  Meetings constantly and then they want you out knocking on doors at all other times.  It's a big waste of time and I need to spend it doing something more productive and enjoyable.  I just don't know how I'm going to break the news to my parents.  That will be the hardest thing of all.

Trust

Trust is something important.  I know that sounds like an obvious statement but it's a fact.  As a member of any group you are instructed to put trust in everyone around you in that group.  What happens when that trust is abused?  As a JW, you are told to trust whatever the "Governing Body" tells you.  The Governing Body is the group of brothers that pretty much determine what Jehovah's Witnesses believe, what they are instructed to do, and they determine any doctrinal changes that need to be made.  We blindly swallow anything they tell us because they try to tell us that their instructions are from God himself.  They are his voice.  If they were really the voice of God would they need any doctrinal changes?  Why would God be telling them wrong information?  They take a verse from the Bible out of context by calling this new information "new light".  Never mind the fact that they have changed their view back and forth on several issues.  How exactly can they expect us to trust anything they say?  Because people blindly trust what these men say, there are 7 million people worldwide who are trapped.  Well here's one more person who is cutting his way out of that trap.

So who should I trust? I can't even trust myself right now.  Several years ago while attending CCAC, I met a truly terrific girl.  She was a beautiful in every way imaginable.  We started as friends and eventually became more than that.  It all seemed to be going pretty well.  There was one issue though.  She was not a JW.  As you may or may not be aware of, JW's are not allowed to date non-JW's.  This obviously creates a problem.  If you read my previous post you know the result of disfellowshipping. The people just assume whatever they want about the relationship and claim it as truth.  That means they can claim that I committed an act worthy of disfellowshipping.  So in the blink of an eye I can lose my family and friends.  Was this girl I barely knew worth it?  I didn't know.  I decided I would continue with the relationship and see how where it lead me.  At the same time I hid it from family and friends.  This may not seem like much of a problem but it wasn't long before she wanted to know why she hadn't met any of them.  I did my best to explain the situation but I just don't think she really got the issue that was raised by me dating her.  She was a little upset but in the end she understood.

One thing you need to understand about this girl is she had clinical depression.  There would be spurts where it would be real bad.  Her condition led her to have low self esteem as well.  She had convinced herself that I made the whole thing up and that I was ashamed of her.  That was rough.  We were able to work through that and kept on persevering.  As time went on it was a continual subject.  It was obviously causing a rift.  I wasn't going to be able to keep this up much longer.  Something had to give.  I truly loved this girl and cared for her with everything I had.  

A little over six months after we started dating I was just about ready to reveal it all.  I just couldn't bring myself to go through with it yet.  I love my family.  I care about my friends.  I really didn't want to give that all up.  That is such an awful choice to even be forced with yet there I was.  I couldn't even turn anywhere for advice.  I couldn't trust my non-JW family members to not blurt it out.  I couldn't trust my so-called friends.  What was I supposed to do?

One day we had an argument about the whole situation.  She was not in a very good mood.  I can't blame her frankly.  Despite the depression issues, she had to be wondering just what was going to happen with us.   That night I went to sleep.  I awoke to see my phone had some messages and missed calls.  They were from her and a missed call from her older sister.   I knew she was having a tough time with the depression over the last couple of days.  To sum the text messages she left she wanted to talk to me really bad.  I thought "This is not good.  She's probably going to break off the relationship."  I checked the voicemails she had left me as well in which she implored me to call her back.  All except the last message.  The last message she left me, she left while crying.  She said "It's obvious you don't really love me, so this is goodbye."  The bomb had been dropped.  For anyone who has lost a love you know that feeling.  This would end up worse.  The last message, the one from her sister, was the worst of all.  Apparently she had overdosed on anti-depressants and was in the hospital.  What a thing to wake up to.  I can't even begin to tell you the things that were going through my mind.  It wasn't over yet.  I rushed to the hospital only to find out she had passed.  

There's no way to describe what I was feeling at that point.  Obviously the biggest feeling was guilt.  I felt as though I was the one who killed her.  I expressed my deepest sympathies to her family and tried to take the blame for it but they wouldn't have any of it.  Her sister knew the situation and she did her best to make sure that I knew it wasn't my fault.  Her words were "She wouldn't want you to focus on the bad things, she'd want you to remember the good times you had together.  It's not your fault."  It's a very cliche sentiment but that sentiment is true.  When you experience something tragic like that, focusing on the bad things doesn't do you any good.  Despite those kind words, I just couldn't let myself go on this.  Yes, I know she was dealing with depression and sometimes that's going to end poorly but I will never be able to get that thought out of my mind.  I remember the good times we had.  She was a phenomenal person.  She deserved better than me.  I will never be able to forgive myself for what happened.  No amount of kind words will ever be able to do that.  I will carry it for the rest of my life.  I don't feel sorry for myself for that and I don't want anybody else to.  

So how can I move on?  I still haven't.  For the next couple of years I avoided all relationships.  I couldn't trust myself to do the right thing.  Now that I'm ready to get back into the swing of things, my lack of trust in myself doesn't allow me to.  When good people come along, I find myself unable to take that next step.  I don't want to hurt someone like I did before.  If I were to hurt someone again, I don't know what might happen.   I can't ask anybody else to put their trust in me if I can't put trust in myself.  

Yes I know it may seem like a reach to tie this story into my feelings on trust, but the first person we need to be able to trust is ourselves.  I need to trust myself if I'm ever going to move on.  Will I be able to?  Can I trust myself to do what all that I can for important people in my life?  I don't know what it'll will take or how I can get that self-confidence back.  Stepping out of the shadows of my past may be a start.  

I've never told this story to anybody in my family.  Not yet anyway.  I don't think it would do any good to ever share it with them.  There are a select few people that I have told it to and they were very eager to listen and I appreciate that.  I will always remember them for their listening ear that didn't judge me or look down on me.  They are true friends.   

Happiness and Love

Singer Tony Williams once said "I'm the great pretender.  Pretending that I'm doing well."  Those words pretty much sum it all up for me.  To onlookers it might appear like I'm okay but there's a constant battle raging inside me.  It's a battle to be happy.  Outwardly I try to put on a happy appearance.  If only that were really the case.  I'm unhappy about a lot of things.  I'm unhappy about the double life I lead.  I'm unhappy about people I thought I could trust, abusing that trust.  I'm unhappy about certain people in my life leading me along and then leaving me stranded and hung out to dry.  I'm unhappy about all of the hypocrisy around me.  I'm unhappy about being trapped in a situation that no matter which way I go it's probably going to turn out poorly.

Happiness is a funny thing.  Just what is happiness?  The JW religion would have you believe happiness is living a life according to their way.  Yes, some of theme seem genuinely happy but that happiness is only surface level.  That happiness is built off of a false premise.  They teach that if you live a life according to JW standards you will be rewarded by living in a paradise earth with your own beautiful country home and hanging around with animals that were once vicious but have lost their mean streak. It's a wonderful fantasy, isn't it?  That's just what it is, a fantasy.  I used to believe that.  I believed it with all my heart.  I believed that was what the future had in store for me.  Unfortunately, like waking from a wonderful dream, all of that is gone.  Only a distant memory.  The only thing that remains is sadness knowing that your dream wasn't real and that your mind tricked you. 

Is something that can be taken away that easily, truly happiness?  I don't think so.  I believe happiness comes from the people around us, not from any far away promise that will never come.  Think back to your fondest memories.  That weren't shared alone.  They were with other people.  You could strive to attain everything in the world, all of the money, fame and fortune.  It's all rubbish, unless you have genuine people to enjoy it with.  When it comes to finding a suitable mate, what's the biggest concern of a rich man?  It usually is "does she love me for who I am, or is it the money she wants".  That doubt will always be with him, unless he finds a way to know that the person he's with is genuine.

Yes, happiness is having people around you that will always be there for you.  They will be people that are happy to listen to you, happy to help you in any way that you want.  They'll laugh with you and cry with you.  They won't judge you.  They'll never make you feel worthless.  Keep in mind that it's also a two-way street.  There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.  You have to be willing to listen.  You have to be willing to help others.  You can't be judgmental.  You have to help bolster other people's self-worth.  Only then will genuine people be drawn to you.

That's something the JW's don't offer.  They don't offer true friends.  Sure, there are good friends among them, but they aren't true friends.  They won't want to listen to you, if you try to say something that goes against what they believe.  They aren't open to other opinions.  Yes, maybe they do help one another.  However, as soon as you leave their organization, at that point where you are at your most vulnerable emotionally, you'll never hear from them again.  They'll abandon you.  That's not what a true friend does.  If you aren't doing everything you can in the JW faith, they'll do the best to make sure you know you aren't doing enough.  They always look for the faults and as soon as they find them, that's what they dwell on.  That's not a true friendship.

So from that we come to love.  I'm referring here to both kinds of eros, philos, and agape.  For those who don't know these are the three:

Eros - The love of a man and a woman.

Philos - A love based on friendship.

Agape - Unconditional love.

The JW's fail at all of these.  Here's why that is the case.

When it comes to romantic interest, JW's are automatically at a disadvantage.  There is no dating allowed before a certain age.  They recommend you wait until you are no longer young.  No dating means no physical relations with another person.  And even then it's only between two married people.  That desire builds up and especially in the bloom of youth, it causes people to make bad decisions.  Since the only way you can be gratified is in marriage, this leads to many younger ones marrying at too early of an age.  That in turn leads to unhappy marriages and in the JW world, the only way to obtain a divorce is if adultery is committed.  I've seen plenty of young JW couples fail this way. It's a vicious circle.

I already talked enough about love based on friendship but to reiterate, that love just isn't there.  The same people that claim they would die for you are the first people to desert you when you no longer believe what they believe.  That is truly a tragic and disturbing thing.

JW's would convince you that they demonstrate unconditional love by preaching to people about the upcoming Armageddon.  "It's right around the corner," they say.  Never mind the fact that they have been saying that for the last 100 years.  Let's delve into just what this Armageddon entails according to JW's.  Essentially, if you aren't a Jehovah's Witness you are doomed.  If you are small child of a non-believer, you are doomed.  JW's look forward to this slaughter with delight and joy.  They have no problem accepting this and it makes me sick.  Why does the slaughter of babies not disturb them?  Simple, because these ones are not Jehovah's Witnesses.  Would you consider that unconditional love?  Where is the compassion?  I hate to go back into the disfellowshipping topic again but how can you consider that unconditional love?  You simply can't.

In conclusion, the key to happiness is not in material things or fame.  True happiness can only be found in love.  All three forms of love that I spoke of are important.  Everybody needs that special somebody who will stay with them through thick and thin.  Everybody needs good friends who love you unconditionally.  If anybody tells you that they don't need those things and that they can go it alone, aren't being honest.  They've probably been burned by too many people in their life and think that happiness can't be obtained that way.  They are mistaken.  I'm still searching for happiness.  At least now that I'm no longer sucked into the JW trap I know where to look and maybe can find it, with the help of true friends of course.

A Brief History

This post is to provide a little background on me and to help get my thoughts out there that I most need to put in writing.

I'm in my early 20's and I live in Western PA.  I've been a lifelong Jehovah's Witness.  My mother was converted in what we call "The Truth".  I was only an infant at the time so I essentially was born into it.  Growing up, you are raised with the values and beliefs of your parents.  It's for this reason that I seriously bought into this religion.  It all seemed to make perfect sense.

At the age of 13 I was baptized into this religion.  Unlike the Catholics and other Christian religious groups, you are not baptized as an infant.  However, if you are raised as a JW, you are expected to get baptized in your early teens.  So that's what I did.  I don't know if I did it for myself or if it was just to make my mom happy.  Either way, I was baptized.  None of my older brothers or sister ever got baptized.  They all fell away from the religion before committing.  

Being baptized as a JW is a lifelong commitment.  They take it very seriously.  How can you honestly expect someone who is 13 years old to make that kind of commitment?  It's unreasonable.  JW's don't allow teenagers to date because they aren't mature enough.  I understand that reasoning, but how can somebody who is 13 be deemed mature enough to make a decision they say is even more important?  It doesn't make sense.

So there I was, a young teenager, baptized into this religion.  I thought this religion was right.  Like I said before it all seemed to make sense.  Then I started to delve into it a little bit more briefly after getting baptized.  I would see certain inconsistencies and investigate.  I would find no good answer that explained why there was inconsistency.  I'd usually just brush it off and think to myself "I'm just not seeing it clearly.  I'm in the wrong."  Despite me convincing myself of that, the inconsistencies started to pile up.  I'd look into it more and more and see huge flaws in the teachings.  

So here I am with serious doubts about my faith and if this were like any other group, you could just leave it.  But it's a little more complicated than that.  This is no ordinary group.  The JW's practice a very cruel and precise practice of shunning called disfellowshipping.  If you are a baptized JW and you disagree with the teachings or you commit a serious sin you are considered an apostate and are disfellowshipped.  Basically, everyone in the religion cuts off ties with you.  They never even speak to you anymore.  If you pass them in the supermarket they ignore you.  This is not limited to regular people in the congregation. This includes close friends, family members.  Imagine that!  You can no longer talk with your mother and father.  They treat you like you are dead.  They teach that this is loving and it will motivate you to repent and come back.  It goes against everything that is love.  It goes against our instincts to show love to our family members.  It's a very sick, cruel, and awful tactic to keep the rank and file JW's in check.  It's this fear that keeps many of the 7 million JW's worldwide from leaving.  

So I'm at a crossroads here.  I want to leave but I don't want to lose family and friends.  JW's train you to avoid outside "worldly" influences.  You aren't allowed to develop close relationships with anybody who isnt' a JW.  This religion is very controlling of your life.  They dictate who your friends are.  They decide for you who an acceptable person is to date.  They control the entertainment you view.  They take your time, your resources, and they belittle you if you aren't doing everything you can to "serve" God.  Yes it seems you can never do enough to please your "loving" God.  There's always something more you can do.  Perhaps you've had JW's knock on your door, warning you of Armageddon.  Yes, if you are a JW that doesn't devote enough hours in that work, you are looked down upon and the congregation elders will be sure to pester you to no end.  My brothers and sister are fortunate.  They never got tied up enough in the religion to be disfellowshipped because they were never baptized.  They can spend time with my mother and father but if I choose to walk a different path, I won't have that luxury.  It's sad how something that most people are able to do, suddenly becomes a luxury. 

I've been living a lie for the better part of the last decade.  It's hard to imagine the guilt I feel on a daily basis and how I just want to shout out that I'm done with it all.  I hate living this charade but it's the way it has to be for now. I know the consequences of leaving the religion.  I'm at the point in my life where I'm weighing all of my options.  I hope I don't make the wrong choice.  There's plenty more to tell but I will save that for a later time.  It certainly feels good to write this all out.

The Purpose of this Blog

I'm not going to lie.  I don't expect anybody to actually read this.  However, if you do stumble upon this blog, this place is somewhere I can write down what I'm thinking and try to sort everything out.