Trust

Trust is something important.  I know that sounds like an obvious statement but it's a fact.  As a member of any group you are instructed to put trust in everyone around you in that group.  What happens when that trust is abused?  As a JW, you are told to trust whatever the "Governing Body" tells you.  The Governing Body is the group of brothers that pretty much determine what Jehovah's Witnesses believe, what they are instructed to do, and they determine any doctrinal changes that need to be made.  We blindly swallow anything they tell us because they try to tell us that their instructions are from God himself.  They are his voice.  If they were really the voice of God would they need any doctrinal changes?  Why would God be telling them wrong information?  They take a verse from the Bible out of context by calling this new information "new light".  Never mind the fact that they have changed their view back and forth on several issues.  How exactly can they expect us to trust anything they say?  Because people blindly trust what these men say, there are 7 million people worldwide who are trapped.  Well here's one more person who is cutting his way out of that trap.

So who should I trust? I can't even trust myself right now.  Several years ago while attending CCAC, I met a truly terrific girl.  She was a beautiful in every way imaginable.  We started as friends and eventually became more than that.  It all seemed to be going pretty well.  There was one issue though.  She was not a JW.  As you may or may not be aware of, JW's are not allowed to date non-JW's.  This obviously creates a problem.  If you read my previous post you know the result of disfellowshipping. The people just assume whatever they want about the relationship and claim it as truth.  That means they can claim that I committed an act worthy of disfellowshipping.  So in the blink of an eye I can lose my family and friends.  Was this girl I barely knew worth it?  I didn't know.  I decided I would continue with the relationship and see how where it lead me.  At the same time I hid it from family and friends.  This may not seem like much of a problem but it wasn't long before she wanted to know why she hadn't met any of them.  I did my best to explain the situation but I just don't think she really got the issue that was raised by me dating her.  She was a little upset but in the end she understood.

One thing you need to understand about this girl is she had clinical depression.  There would be spurts where it would be real bad.  Her condition led her to have low self esteem as well.  She had convinced herself that I made the whole thing up and that I was ashamed of her.  That was rough.  We were able to work through that and kept on persevering.  As time went on it was a continual subject.  It was obviously causing a rift.  I wasn't going to be able to keep this up much longer.  Something had to give.  I truly loved this girl and cared for her with everything I had.  

A little over six months after we started dating I was just about ready to reveal it all.  I just couldn't bring myself to go through with it yet.  I love my family.  I care about my friends.  I really didn't want to give that all up.  That is such an awful choice to even be forced with yet there I was.  I couldn't even turn anywhere for advice.  I couldn't trust my non-JW family members to not blurt it out.  I couldn't trust my so-called friends.  What was I supposed to do?

One day we had an argument about the whole situation.  She was not in a very good mood.  I can't blame her frankly.  Despite the depression issues, she had to be wondering just what was going to happen with us.   That night I went to sleep.  I awoke to see my phone had some messages and missed calls.  They were from her and a missed call from her older sister.   I knew she was having a tough time with the depression over the last couple of days.  To sum the text messages she left she wanted to talk to me really bad.  I thought "This is not good.  She's probably going to break off the relationship."  I checked the voicemails she had left me as well in which she implored me to call her back.  All except the last message.  The last message she left me, she left while crying.  She said "It's obvious you don't really love me, so this is goodbye."  The bomb had been dropped.  For anyone who has lost a love you know that feeling.  This would end up worse.  The last message, the one from her sister, was the worst of all.  Apparently she had overdosed on anti-depressants and was in the hospital.  What a thing to wake up to.  I can't even begin to tell you the things that were going through my mind.  It wasn't over yet.  I rushed to the hospital only to find out she had passed.  

There's no way to describe what I was feeling at that point.  Obviously the biggest feeling was guilt.  I felt as though I was the one who killed her.  I expressed my deepest sympathies to her family and tried to take the blame for it but they wouldn't have any of it.  Her sister knew the situation and she did her best to make sure that I knew it wasn't my fault.  Her words were "She wouldn't want you to focus on the bad things, she'd want you to remember the good times you had together.  It's not your fault."  It's a very cliche sentiment but that sentiment is true.  When you experience something tragic like that, focusing on the bad things doesn't do you any good.  Despite those kind words, I just couldn't let myself go on this.  Yes, I know she was dealing with depression and sometimes that's going to end poorly but I will never be able to get that thought out of my mind.  I remember the good times we had.  She was a phenomenal person.  She deserved better than me.  I will never be able to forgive myself for what happened.  No amount of kind words will ever be able to do that.  I will carry it for the rest of my life.  I don't feel sorry for myself for that and I don't want anybody else to.  

So how can I move on?  I still haven't.  For the next couple of years I avoided all relationships.  I couldn't trust myself to do the right thing.  Now that I'm ready to get back into the swing of things, my lack of trust in myself doesn't allow me to.  When good people come along, I find myself unable to take that next step.  I don't want to hurt someone like I did before.  If I were to hurt someone again, I don't know what might happen.   I can't ask anybody else to put their trust in me if I can't put trust in myself.  

Yes I know it may seem like a reach to tie this story into my feelings on trust, but the first person we need to be able to trust is ourselves.  I need to trust myself if I'm ever going to move on.  Will I be able to?  Can I trust myself to do what all that I can for important people in my life?  I don't know what it'll will take or how I can get that self-confidence back.  Stepping out of the shadows of my past may be a start.  

I've never told this story to anybody in my family.  Not yet anyway.  I don't think it would do any good to ever share it with them.  There are a select few people that I have told it to and they were very eager to listen and I appreciate that.  I will always remember them for their listening ear that didn't judge me or look down on me.  They are true friends.