This post is to provide a little background on me and to help get my thoughts out there that I most need to put in writing.
I'm in my early 20's and I live in Western PA. I've been a lifelong Jehovah's Witness. My mother was converted in what we call "The Truth". I was only an infant at the time so I essentially was born into it. Growing up, you are raised with the values and beliefs of your parents. It's for this reason that I seriously bought into this religion. It all seemed to make perfect sense.
At the age of 13 I was baptized into this religion. Unlike the Catholics and other Christian religious groups, you are not baptized as an infant. However, if you are raised as a JW, you are expected to get baptized in your early teens. So that's what I did. I don't know if I did it for myself or if it was just to make my mom happy. Either way, I was baptized. None of my older brothers or sister ever got baptized. They all fell away from the religion before committing.
Being baptized as a JW is a lifelong commitment. They take it very seriously. How can you honestly expect someone who is 13 years old to make that kind of commitment? It's unreasonable. JW's don't allow teenagers to date because they aren't mature enough. I understand that reasoning, but how can somebody who is 13 be deemed mature enough to make a decision they say is even more important? It doesn't make sense.
So there I was, a young teenager, baptized into this religion. I thought this religion was right. Like I said before it all seemed to make sense. Then I started to delve into it a little bit more briefly after getting baptized. I would see certain inconsistencies and investigate. I would find no good answer that explained why there was inconsistency. I'd usually just brush it off and think to myself "I'm just not seeing it clearly. I'm in the wrong." Despite me convincing myself of that, the inconsistencies started to pile up. I'd look into it more and more and see huge flaws in the teachings.
So here I am with serious doubts about my faith and if this were like any other group, you could just leave it. But it's a little more complicated than that. This is no ordinary group. The JW's practice a very cruel and precise practice of shunning called disfellowshipping. If you are a baptized JW and you disagree with the teachings or you commit a serious sin you are considered an apostate and are disfellowshipped. Basically, everyone in the religion cuts off ties with you. They never even speak to you anymore. If you pass them in the supermarket they ignore you. This is not limited to regular people in the congregation. This includes close friends, family members. Imagine that! You can no longer talk with your mother and father. They treat you like you are dead. They teach that this is loving and it will motivate you to repent and come back. It goes against everything that is love. It goes against our instincts to show love to our family members. It's a very sick, cruel, and awful tactic to keep the rank and file JW's in check. It's this fear that keeps many of the 7 million JW's worldwide from leaving.
So I'm at a crossroads here. I want to leave but I don't want to lose family and friends. JW's train you to avoid outside "worldly" influences. You aren't allowed to develop close relationships with anybody who isnt' a JW. This religion is very controlling of your life. They dictate who your friends are. They decide for you who an acceptable person is to date. They control the entertainment you view. They take your time, your resources, and they belittle you if you aren't doing everything you can to "serve" God. Yes it seems you can never do enough to please your "loving" God. There's always something more you can do. Perhaps you've had JW's knock on your door, warning you of Armageddon. Yes, if you are a JW that doesn't devote enough hours in that work, you are looked down upon and the congregation elders will be sure to pester you to no end. My brothers and sister are fortunate. They never got tied up enough in the religion to be disfellowshipped because they were never baptized. They can spend time with my mother and father but if I choose to walk a different path, I won't have that luxury. It's sad how something that most people are able to do, suddenly becomes a luxury.
I've been living a lie for the better part of the last decade. It's hard to imagine the guilt I feel on a daily basis and how I just want to shout out that I'm done with it all. I hate living this charade but it's the way it has to be for now. I know the consequences of leaving the religion. I'm at the point in my life where I'm weighing all of my options. I hope I don't make the wrong choice. There's plenty more to tell but I will save that for a later time. It certainly feels good to write this all out.
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