This morning, I awoke to a feeling, a feeling like a weight had been lifted off of me. It's been over a month since I came clean to the elders about my doubts. Through countless visits, they tried to keep me from leaving. It all culminated with a visit from the elders yesterday. I pretty much told them I would not change my mind. Yes, I'm still not disfellowshipped yet but that will come soon, I'm sure. I had one of, if not my best friend in the JW's unfriend me on Facebook yesterday.
That's when it really hit me. All this time I had so much stress, so much heartbreak, and it all came from feelings of guilt. Like it was me who was doing something wrong. I felt as if maybe I was the one who was leaving people. That moment, I came to a realization in my mind and in my heart, that I haven't gone anywhere. I haven't disowned anyone, or left anyone. In the end, they are making the choice to leave me. I would still be friends with, and probably hang out with a good amount of the people in the JW's that I knew, regardless of my standing in the JW's. But alas, that's not possible, not because of anything I've done, but because of what they've done. All of the guilt that I have been feeling has been lifted off of me.
I still love and care for a lot of people in the JW's. Most of them are really nice people and they do care for me. Even though they will disfellowship me and ignore me for the rest of their life, I have no resentment or hate for them. I realize that they don't know any better. This is what they've been taught, many from birth on up, is necessary to show that they actually care. So it's not their fault. I still love and care for a lot of the people I grew up with. I wish them all the best. I hope they'll wake up. I know they probably won't. If they do wake up, I'll be there for them.
Many of these are great people, who unfortunately have been twisted and manipulated by a high-control organization. I just hope they can break free so we can all go back to being friends.
My conclusion also came as a result of a quote somebody said to me "It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not." I'd rather have two or three friends who love what I am, rather than a congregation of 120 who only love me for something that I'm not. Yes, I'm sure I will still be depressed and will still have a lot of struggles ahead of me, but at least now I am assured of what I'm doing.
JT,
ReplyDeleteYou might not realize it now; you might not ever. But from my own experience I know that the people who truly love you are the ones that will not stand by you in a chosen course that is self-destructive.
It's always easier to put the focus on others' faults rather than taking an honest look at our own. For example, the drunk never thinks he has a problem, it's always the people who won't buy him a drink that have the problem; they aren't his 'true' friends. To him, it's the people that help him continue to drink that are the real friends. Of course that's all backwards. The ones that have his best long-term interests in mind are also being hurt by his actions.
Jehovah disciplines those that he loves and he carries this out through imperfect, though sincere, ones that run his congregation. He allows these imperfect circumstances in order to let what's really in our own hearts to manifest itself. Even Jesus' own teachings were at times 'ugly' enough to some so that they left off following him. But the ones' with the right heart condition, who had recognized the marks of truth, responded with a waiting and humble attitude, saying, "whom shall we go away to?" (John 6:68)
The choice is before you in how you will respond to these challenges. Your decisions will bear out what's really in your heart.