Reuniting

I've been taking the last month or two and have been trying to reunite with friends long past.  People that I knew well but could no longer associate with due to my religion.  Sadly, very few of them have responded at all.  I can't say I blame them for not wanting anything to do with me.  I was practically forced to disown them.  I have been able to rekindle friendships with a few, so that is at least worth something. 

On a rather sad note, I discovered just the other day that an old friend of mine who moved to Hawaii to serve in  the Navy, passed away.  I've been told it was possibly suicide.  It makes me sad to know that someone who was so full of life and had so much to offer people would resort to that.  I know he's had suicidal tendencies in the past, but that doesn't make it any easier to swallow.  If you spent five minutes with him, he would give you the shirt off his back.  R.I.P. Taj.  You will be missed by all.

In the end, it's going to be hard to move on.  I'm leaving a lot of people behind.  I know that many of them do genuinely care for me, but they don't show it the correct way.  They are led to believe that the loving thing is to badger me into coming back.  I don't think this is the way you show love.  Many of them just want to shove the JW agenda down my throat and that irritates me.  I know in a brief period of time they will go from pestering me at every end, to completely ignoring me.  I knew what I was getting into though, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

Through all of this, the worst is the pressing loneliness.  It's been far too long without having an intimate relationship with someone.  Of course, I don't know if I'm in the right frame-of-mind to jump into that right now.  There's far too much going on.  It would be nice to have that loving support but how can I possibly drag somebody into the situation I'm in now?  It just feels selfish to me.  Not only that, the people I have tried to get something started with, have been a no-go for varying reasons.  Mostly it just seems like I don't have anything to offer.  There's always a better option.  In the end, what does anybody want with poor, pathetic me?  Am I destined for loneliness and disappointment?  There has just been too much disappointment.